Fan Letters, Week One

Although we seem to be off to a slow start with this blog, failing to reach the mark set by that Zuckerberg fellow from “The Social Network” (2010), I am proud to report that we have received a good bit of fan mail in response to our first week’s postings.  Until the volume of mail reaches a level where it is no longer possible to deal with individually, it is my intent to respond thoughtfully to each one of you. It is my belief that for every reader who takes the time to write to me with a question or concern, there are probably dozens of others with similar questions.  Therefore, I will post a representative sample of these letters each week and invite our readers to comment and offer helpful hints of their own.  

“Dear Daddy Drink,
You can’t fool me.  I know exactly who you are, you son of a bitch. Maybe the law gave up on finding you, but I will track you down like a mad dog and kick you dead.  If you had put as much work into our marriage as you put into that wood-chipping slut down at Quincy’s Lumber, we could a made a go of it.  Leavin’ me with them four kids and a cat what I never asked for in the first place ruint my teen years, you rotten heathen bastard. You are going to rule the day you drove off and left us at Blocker’s Truck Stop.  Burn in Hell, Fornicator.  P.S. If you ain’t Tucker Marvin, I apologize all over myself.  I love your posts and read them over and over.  Like the words of our Lowered hisself, they bring such joy to my heart.  And if your ever up close to Lockjaw Junction, stop in for some good down home cooking.  I’m in trailer 9 out on Road 4.”  

“Dear daddydrink, 
Boy, you got to grow a pair, know what I’m sayin?  We don’t need no more sensitive man role models.  That’s what’s bringing this country to its knees, know what I’m sayin?  My old lady, she reads this shit and gets feeling sorry for herself, thinking that maybe she’s the only one who’s afraid to stand up for herself.  She hammered on me like thump on melon after she read your Introduction.  Next thing I know, I send her out for a twelve-pack and she comes back with a strawberry pie and a DVD of ‘The Kids are All Right.’  I’m layin this on you, man, know what I’m sayin?”  

 “Dear Mr. Drink,
My name is Collin and I am in the fourth grade.  I have a question that I hope you can answer about cooking because I am taking cooking now in school instead of art because I took art already and now it is my turn to take cooking.  I want to do a special report for extra credit in cooking class, and I hope that you can help me.  My report has to be on cooking.  So, like, if you could just tell me something interesting abut cooking, or maybe like a couple of things.  It would be good if you talked about stuff to make with peanut butter, maybe some eggs, and usually a few potatoes and some stuff that looks like meat.  Thank you.”